In our day and age, it has become increasingly more difficult to preach the plain truth, for preachers and teachers of the word are often pitted against forces that are antithetical to the word of God. With the onset of liberalism, and independent thought and action, the original roles and positions of men and women are either being quickly eroded or reversed entirely. And the sure result is an unprecedented rise in single parent homes, where one parent has gone missing in action.
Loneliness is gripping the nation as a plague, and there are many who are currently married, living under the same roof, but who are actually leading single lives. Others, who have staked out certain positions rigidly, without room for negotiation on points that are non-salvific, have lost their spouse to divorce.
Many spouses have been alienated for the simplest of reasons, and the spark that once animated their marriage has gone out permanently. Again, there is an increasing tendency to reject the very concept of submission to each other, and the inevitable result is that many are living separate lives, even while still being married. Divorce, for any and every reason is also taking a fearful toll, because just like fast-food, it has become the choice of first resort when things do not turn out as expected.
Thus, for the purposes of this study, we will focus on the instruction given in the Bible, for men to love their own wives, and not be bitter against them. It would seem natural for men to do so, for a man will not hate one whom he loves. Thus, the question is, “Why did God see fit to place an exhortation in the scriptures, for something that ought to be occurring naturally?”
The answers to this, and other questions are found in the scriptures, which should inform our thoughts and actions. When God made Adam, He designated that Eve should be his one and only wife, and that whatever adjustments were needed after sin, would be taken care of between the two, with God as their leader. Foreign interference from external forces as it pertains to the marriage relation was not a part of God’s plan, even though because of sheer necessity, it became common practice.
Thus, the first step in reversing the current order of things is for us to take a good look at God’s ideal for us. To begin with, for a Christian husband to love his wife, he must first love God, for if God is not at the center of the relationship, it will be less than ideal, or it will collapse sooner or later in most cases.
This is one of the reasons why the current divorce rate in Christian circles is pretty much the same as in secular circles. It has to do with the issue of both persons being in Christ, from whom the love of God is dispensed to the human agent. Love that is born of God does not occur naturally in the human heart and must be implanted by the indwelling of God’s Holy Spirit. Let’s read:
1st John 4:7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
Amos 3:3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
If we desire the love of God to be manifest in our marriages, we’ll have to take the initiative in being loving, even at times when it may be difficult to do so. Generally speaking, marriage does not consist of only ideal circumstances, for there are times when difficulties will arise, when unreasonable demands are made, when unnecessary funds are spent, when arguments arise, and when the temptation to do as one pleases, without regard for the other, will seem to be an attractive option.
There are times when spouses will spend more than is needed, for things that may seem unnecessary to the other, but God’s love should still be cultivated. Because of these, and other varying circumstances, the exercise of love on the part of the husband will call into action certain qualities, and characteristics which many of us need to develop by the grace and power of God, for as it is with any other noble trait, practice makes perfect.
However, even though the emphasis of this study will be on husbands, we will discover that the words and instructions are generic in nature, meaning that they can and should be adopted by wives, wherever possible. The reason why the onus is being placed upon men in particular, is because someone has to take the initiative, and as such, the God-ordained head of the home should be at the forefront of any efforts to foster and maintain a sound relationship.
When Adam and Eve sinned, God called Adam into question first, even though his wife was first in the transgression, thereby showing that the bulk of the responsibility rests upon the shoulders of the father in all matters that pertain to spiritual and physical well-being. Some men may not know this, and may be in danger of shirking their responsibilities, or in some instances, relegating their duties to the wife, who in most instances, already has a whole lot on her plate to deal with.
Thus, the following are some important points for us to grasp, and the accompanying passages in the scriptures should guide our thoughts and actions, even as we seek to live within God’s ideal. These worthy goals may not be a breeze, they may not be politically correct, and they may come at the cost of severe self-denial, but let’s buckle up our shoes and submit ourselves to God, for we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
Pointer # [1] Husbands should seek to make their marriage as bullet-proof as possible, for the devil is hell-bent on destroying marriages and families, which form the foundation of society.
We are never to assume erroneously, that because one is a Christian, he/she cannot fall. Another fatal mistake is to conclude that good moral character is sufficient on its own to keep one’s marriage intact. If this was the case in every instance, then David would not have stumbled over Bathsheba, for as far as the Biblical records show, one of his wives had the best character one could hope for. Let’s read:
1st Samuel 25:3 Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance.
18 Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses.
23 And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,
24 And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid.
28 I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid: for the Lord will certainly make my lord a sure house; because my lord fighteth the battles of the Lord, and evil hath not been found in thee all thy days.
30 And it shall come to pass, when the Lord shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel;
31 That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself.
32 And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:
33 And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.
39 And when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the Lord, that hath pleaded the cause of my reproach. And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife.
41 And she arose, and bowed herself on her face to the earth, and said, Behold, let thine handmaid be a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.
42 And Abigail became his wife.
It is true that good a character should become the cornerstone of any marriage, but we must always remember that godly character is not usually born overnight. It takes time, self-denial, discipline, trials, temptations, and a string of victories for one’s mind to become set in stone, as it pertains to him, or her being consistently faithful.
Thus, in an effort to make his marriage bulletproof as possible, husbands, and wives should pray every day, for grace to help in time of need. The husband should take the initiative in spiritual things, for he is the priest of his home and as such, he is responsible for the religion and practice of his family. There are times when Christian wives may not be sufficiently motivated in spiritual things and because of this the husband must take up the slack.
Thus wisdom, intelligence, and good understanding should be incorporated with sterling character, in order that the marriage be bullet-proof. In addition, Jesus must be sought out daily by both, so that the strength and will-power that is needed to run the marathon of married life, will be imparted to us on a continuum. Trying to keep one’s marriage, and family together, without God, is a very tall order in most cases. Let’s read:
Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Pointer # [2] There can be no love without submission, and no submission without love.
Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
25 Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.
This particular instruction is often quite difficult to swallow in our day where independence of thought and action has replaced the teachings of the Bible. The very thought of submitting often stirs up the spirit of resistance in the human heart, as if there is something inherently wrong with it. Let’s say here that the Christian path is filled with paradoxes, for we live by dying, we win by losing, and we resist the devil by submitting to God.
However, it is by the administration of Godly love that submitting is made easier, and pleasurable, for if a woman feels loved, in the truest sense of the word, she will usually do and dare for her husband. But there are limits to this particular instruction, for the wife is not required to submit to her husband, if doing so would cause her to disobey God.
God must come first in all of our considerations, for it is He who has created us, and then bought us with a price. Therefore, if some request of the husband will put the wife squarely at odds with what God has commanded, she should not do it. On the other hand, if a husband’s request does not cause her to commit sin, she should concur wherever possible, for this is how the church of Christ is structured.
Even though we are given the freedom of choice by God, to do good or evil, His church is built upon the premise of submitting to Him in all things, and we know that He never asks us to do anything that is not for our best good. Likewise, due consideration should be made when decisions or requests are on the table. If the request in question will foster unity, peace, and faithfulness, and if it will help in making the marriage more bulletproof, then it should be done.
The Bible teaches this instruction unequivocally and it needs to be understood thoroughly, for when we observe the way love is measured, we discover that it’s not measured by praise but by obedience. When satan approached Eve in the garden, he offered her praise, but obedience to God was put on the back-burner. Similarly, love between a husband and wife will become a fallacy, without the biblical ingredient of submission, in accordance with God’s word. Let’s read:
John 14:15 If ye love me, keep my commandments.
21 He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.
James 4:6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
[P&P 53] The serpent continued, in a musical voice, with subtle praise of her surpassing loveliness; and his words were not displeasing. Such has been Satan's work from the days of Adam to the present, and he has pursued it with great success.
Pointer # [3] Physical appearance matters too.
Husbands are not fall into the error of thinking that the physical aspects of married life are of little or no importance, or that it can be shunned without any adverse effects. The principle of love, in action, will move us to be in the best shape possible, for it will have only good effects on the marriage. But quite often this issue is despised or neglected as being of little importance.
We often loose much by not studying the ways of God, and very often we stumble by not combining scriptural instructions with good commonsense. It is true that with the passage of time we will age, some sooner, some later, but while it’s possible everyone, including husbands and wives should seek to be in the best healthy, and physical shape possible, and again, the husband must take the lead, wherever he can. This is not a figment of someone’s imagination, it is scriptural. Let’s read:
3rd John 1:2 Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.
Deuteronomy 7:14 Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.
15 And the Lord will take away from thee all sickness and will put none of the evil diseases of Egypt, which thou knowest, upon thee.
Psalms 105:37 He brought them forth also with silver and gold: and there was not one feeble person among their tribes.
Therefore, since we have seen that the physical and spiritual aspects are inextricably intertwined, let us study the “Ways of God” on the matter of physical appearance. God’s ways are discovered by studying what He does, because they give us great insights into His thoughts and actions, and they often shed great light on why He does certain things the way He does.
Abraham is old and well stricken in years, but his son Isaac is only forty years old, in the prime of his manhood, and is looking for a wife. Abraham does the right thing by praying first, and instructing his servant not to take a wife from among those who do not fear God. The servant goes on his way, he prays to God for guidance, and God goes before him and makes a special choice.
And the rest is history, for as we have stated before, what God does, sheds great light on how He thinks. Will he choose someone who has sterling character, but no physical appeal, or will He choose someone with the best of two worlds, since as Jesus stated in the new testament, “God knows how to give good gifts unto His children?” Let’s read:
Genesis 24:2 And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh.
3 And I will make thee swear by the Lord, the God
of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell.
2 And he said O Lord God of my master Abraham, I pray thee, send me good speed this day, and shew
kindness unto my master Abraham.
13 Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water.
14 Let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.
Obviously, this servant’s focus was squarely set on character, which is a good and upright thing, for without it, physical beauty becomes vain. But God who knows what He is doing, chooses someone who has it all, the spiritual as well as the physical, because as far as God is concerned, physical attraction plays some role in keeping husbands and wives content. Physical attraction is not the main or ultimate keeper of the marriage, but every little bit will help in making the marriage more bulletproof. Let’s read:
Genesis 24:15 And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham's brother, with her pitcher upon her shoulder.
16 And the damsel was very fair to look upon.
17 And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher.
18 And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.
19 And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking.
The deductions that are made from these passages show the mind of God, as it pertains to the spiritual and physical aspects of marriage, for it was not Isaac who made the pick, it was God. If a sterling character was all that was needed, then He would not go to such lengths to choose someone who was physically attractive too.
[Temperance. pp 43] Let none who profess godliness regard with indifference the health of the body, and flatter themselves that intemperance is no sin, and will not affect their spirituality. A close sympathy exists between the physical and the moral nature. The transgression of physical law is the transgression of God's law.
Our Creator is Jesus Christ. He is the author of physical laws, as He is the author of the moral law. And the human being who is careless and reckless of the habits and practices that concern his physical life and health, sins against God.
Husbands and wives are obligated to be in the best shape possible, for as long as possible. This aspect of the marriage often goes a long way in helping to stave off temptations that often appear suddenly. To conclude that character alone means everything may apply in certain instances, but the bulk of all historical evidence shows that leading a healthy life will improve the marriage relation.
In addition, God Himself calls for us not only to be in shape spiritually, but also physically, because what we do to our bodies, directly affects the soul. In fact the emotions, feelings, thoughts and decisions are all centered in the body, and that’s why the physical aspect of our being should never be neglected. The husband again must take the initiative, if for any reason the wife may be less motivated. Let’s read:
1st Corinthians 6:19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.
There is one more pointer that needs to be studied, for is often not appreciated for its value. Husbands who endeavor to love their wives, even as Christ loves the church, should make every effort to be involved wither activities, whenever and wherever possible, for there is strength in numbers, and it is often the case that temptation asserts itself more strongly when one is alone than when the two are together.
Pointer # [4] Do as much as you can, “Together”.
Pray together, eat together, workout together, study the word together, go to church together, and sit together, grieve together, rejoice together, shop together, sleep together, worship together, bank together, talk together, and sing together. The more activities done together, the more bulletproof the marriage will become; and again, the husband is to take the initiative, whenever and wherever he can.
In the garden of Eden satan said not a single word to Adam, but to Eve, who was alone by herself, he was able to deceive, for if her husband was present, he would have immediately detected the danger, and the Bible confirms this by stating that Adam was not deceived. Great harm is often done when husbands and wives are not “Together”. Let’s read:
[P&P pp 53] The angels had cautioned Eve to beware of separating herself from her husband while occupied in their daily labor in the garden; with him she would be in less danger from temptation than if she were alone. On perceiving that she was alone, she felt an apprehension of danger, but dismissed her fears, deciding that she had sufficient wisdom and strength to discern evil and to withstand it.
In closing, whatever we may do, and whatever the situation might be in our marriages currently, God is calling on husbands the world over to take up their mantle of God-given responsibilities, loving in spite of, not because of, and ever seeking to make the marriage as sacred and bullet-proof as it should be. We therefore close with a gentle reminder. Let’s read:
Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
God bless!