One of the difficulties we face in our fallen human nature is that of how to resolve conflicts, without becoming alienated. Conflicts have often arisen in the church, at home, on the job, in religious circles, and in political environments. Even among the disciples of Christ, there were times when they had to grapple with the age-old problem, for they found themselves sometimes, brooding, and venting their displeasure at one another.
And accusations, whether true or false often drives us apart, and because we often prefer to justify our opinions and actions, it becomes even harder for a breakthrough to occur. Again, when tempers flare, and harsh words fly left and right, the stage is often set for even more conflict, while the devil stirs the bitter brew in the background, hidden from human view.
Retaliations and acts of revenge do not help either, for they add toxic ingredients to already simmering tempers, which are like time bombs, only waiting, and ready to explode at the least provocation. This tit for tat tendency is particularly dangerous, for it can often escalate into irreconcilable differences in which former friends, associates, and even brethren may choose to go their own separate ways.
Whenever the lines of communication are broken down strange things begin to happen, for wounded pride often drives us into our corner, where we may huff and puff at each other, whilst the issues which have caused alienation, remain untouched on the back burner. Estrangement is the by-product of the work of evil spirits, for it’s one of the main signature characteristics manifested whenever, and wherever God’s Holy Spirit is absent.
Thus, because The Spirit of God is being gradually withdrawn from the earth, we will observe within our ranks, and even in the public square, the utter inability of man to resolve differences on his own, and that is because true, and lasting unity can only come from Christ, through the indwelling of God’s Holy Spirit, a fact which applies across the board, including marriage.
If persons are led to merely “Tolerate” each other, then the conflict has not been truly resolved. When quarrels are truly healed by The Spirit of God, both parties embrace each other with open hearts, with the best of intentions, and with a willingness to help each other in any way they can, coupled with a firm resolve not to cause hurt anymore. Thus, toleration is the counterfeit of true, godly resolution.
Again, wherever, and whenever conflicts are not resolved speedily, and according to the scriptural methods, people will get hurt; some emotionally, some financially, some physically and some socially. The very nature of the principles of satan’s kingdom is to cause hurt in some form or another. This truth is clearly set forth in the scriptures. Let’s read:
James 3:14 But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth.
15 This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish.
16 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.
17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.
18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.
Once husbands and wives stop speaking, the lines of communication are broken down, and the longer the impasse lasts, the more difficult it becomes for a resolution to occur, because human pride balks at the prospect of being humbled. Thus, some people who are currently married, and live under the same roof, are actually leading single lives, all because of a lack of communication.
It is important then for us, who are living in these turbulent times, to embrace and practice the Lord’s instructions on “Good Conflict Resolution” so that the estrangement that is taking place all around us will not produce a trickle-down effect. One of the shining examples given in the scriptures, of good conflict resolution, has to do with a dispute which arose between Abraham and Lot, concerning real estate.
Somehow, when in poverty and adversity folks tend to get along more, but when riches increase, there’s a tendency for alienation. That is because both the rich and the poor often suffer from covetousness, a problem that can trigger animosity, if not dealt with in a godly manner.
Abraham had been abundantly blessed by God, and Lot, who had traveled with him, became a partaker of the blessings. But after a while, their flocks and herds increased to the point where available grass and pasture was becoming an issue, for there were insufficient resources to support both households in the same area.
As a result, the herdsmen of both Abraham and Lot often found themselves squabbling over grass, and the situation reached a boiling point, where the two parties had to confront the issue, lest it turned into violence. As we read of the incident, there would be several important lessons, and instructions, on how we too may peacefully resolve our differences, with no lingering animosity or bad feelings. Let’s read:
Genesis 13:1 And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south.
2 And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold.
5 And Lot also, which went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents.
6 And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together.
7 And there was a strife between the herd-men of Abram's cattle and the herd-men of Lot's cattle.
Lesson # [1]
Being a Christian does not mean that we will never have any conflicts, for we are all born with a fallen human nature that exerts great gravitational pull on persons even after we may have begun the process of conversion. This is what Paul was referring to as he correctly described the internal struggles facing us, between right and wrong, good and evil, which every Christian would experience on some level or another. Let’s read:
Romans 7: 19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
For Abraham to do the right thing, he would have to make a deliberate decision in favor of righteousness because it’s easier to go with the natural flow of my rights, rather than to surrender to the other person, the benefit. We would often find that in pursuit of conflict resolution, we will have to go against our natural grain.
Genesis 13:8 And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herd-men and thy herd-men; for we be brethren.
Lesson # [2]
In resolving conflict, we should value our friendship and harmony more than material or pecuniary gain. In other words, if friendship, and peace would cost Abraham financially, then he will bear it cheerfully. Reconciliation, as a general rule of thumb, usually involves loss to one, or either party, and therefore, God instructs us as His people, to be willing to bear the cost, because this is what Christ exemplified, as He bore the cost of our reconciliation to God, bodily in His own person. Let’s read:
Isaiah 53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.
Ephesians 4:1 I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,
2 With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;
3 Endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Genesis 13:9 Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left.
10 And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar.
11 Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other.
Lesson # [3]
In resolving some conflicts, we may need to give up our rights for the sake of peace and friendship. The prevailing disposition to stake out our position, and entitlements, and to rigidly stand our ground, is not the way Abraham saw fit to deal with the delicate issue. The promise of the land of Canaan was made to Abraham, not to lot, and therefore, by right, the first preference should be deferred to him.
But if he were to exercise his right in the matter, by taking the best and most fertile of the land, it would almost certainly spawn a new round of bad feelings since lot could view the action as being selfish. Thus Abraham did the Christlike thing by surrendering his rights for the sake of the brotherhood, and the rest is history, because the results of that one, singular experience produced ripple effects for centuries to come.
And in the resurrection, all of lot’s family with the exception of himself, will be found on the other side of the wall, with Hitler, Judas, and Bin Laden, for as many will realize, the way we handle, or mishandle conflicts, can trigger repercussions that may vibrate to eternity. Hence the reason why the following set of instructions on good conflict resolution is of great importance to those who desire to reflect Christ. Let’s read:
Romans 12:14 Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.
17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink.
21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
We are often tempted to “Go low”, especially when our “Rights” are interfered with, and the prevailing tendency is to stand our ground in defense of what may be rightfully ours. But if we were to deal in the same currency as those who attempt to trample our rights, if we were to deal in the currency of “Tit for tat”, we would have adopted satanic principles, and methods, and by so doing we will virtually hand him the victory.
The children of The most High are to adopt royal principles and methods, thereby demonstrating in our persons, the loveliness, and the glory of God’s character, but too often we fail of giving the world a shining example of what the grace of God can do in the heart. Revenge, retaliation, grudges, tit for tat, argumentative spirits, and alienation, all proceed from one and the same source, and therefore, we will have to make deliberate decisions, about which course of action we will pursue when thus tempted.
A truly forgiving spirit is not incident specific, by which we pick and choose who or what to forgive. It is an ever-present attitude, implanted by The Holy Spirit, being diffused as bright beams of light, and dispelling the darkness, whenever, and wherever the need to forgive may arise. But some Christians have sadly put a threshold on who and what we are willing to forgive. These things should not be, for it is the will of God that we adopt the principles, and methods of royalty. Let’s read:
Luke 6:35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.
36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.
1st Peter 3:8 Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile
Genesis 13:14 And the Lord said unto Abram, after that Lot was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward:
15 For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed forever.
16 And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered.
17 Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.
Lesson # [4]
It is worthy of note that God waited until after the matter was resolved to say something. As the effort at reconciliation was taking place, The Lord listened silently in the background, taking note of the words, attitudes, and decisions of both parties. Abraham in his words and actions sought to diffuse the volatile situation, even if it involved personal loss. Lot on the other hand sought to take advantage of the old man, by which his materialism and greed were exposed.
Then after Abraham submitted to God’s will, God’s ways, and God’s methods, God opens His mouth to speak, and the rest is history, for he then reiterated to Abraham that all the land of Canaan would surely be his. There is a great lesson in the timing of God’s words to Abraham, after the matter was resolved, for we often expect God to intervene in our behalf, right there and then, to deliver, or vindicate us in a signal manner.
In other instances, we believe that God is taking too long to execute justice, and we may become quite impatient and even upset at God in delaying justice, forgetting all the while that God delights in mercy, and therefore, we as His children should also take delight in being merciful too. The following passage should inform our oft impatience with God. Let’s read:
Hebrews 10:35 Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.
36 For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.
After the passing of this incident between Abraham and Lot, it became manifest that the reconciliation initiated by Abraham was of the heavenly kind, for it was he who prayed that Lot’s family be spared the fiery deluge that was soon to engulf Sodom, and it was the very same Abraham who went after the invaders who had taken Lot’s family hostage, with the other citizens of the city.
Too often, our forgiveness and reconciliation savors of merely tolerating the person who infringed on our so-called rights, and too often there remains an unspoken uneasiness, every time we encounter the individual. God is in the business of full restoration, and as His children, we should rejoice greatly when tensions among brethren, family, communities, or governments are resolved.
Thus, we will close with two important passages of scripture, which should help us on the issue of good conflict resolution, for it is the will of God that we both adopt and practice them by His grace, for you never know, we might be the only Jesus that those with whom we associate, may see. Let’s read:
Proverbs 24:17 Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth:
18 Lest the Lord see it, and it displease him, and he turn away his wrath from him.
Isaiah 32:17 And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance forever.
God Bless!